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Unfortunately my diet was ruined when generation terrorists I found nits on her head generation terrorists and then, though I could have been coming off the acid trip from the night before, I saw another of THOSE FUCKING BUGS CRAWLING ACROSS HER MOTHER FUCKING SCALP! Then I wished I might die. But I didn't die. I called the pediatrician and asked what we should do now and she said, "You go to Costco and get yourself a jar of mayonnaise large enough you could generation terrorists dock your jet ski in it. Also, a similarly sized bottle of Makers Mark." I followed Doctor's orders and bought a vat of mayonnaise, even though Logan hates mayonnaise with a fiery passion mostly reserved for republicans. It was only when I got it home that I realized, 'Wow, this is a lot of mayonnaise.' |
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| But you just wait! Things are getting even more awesome! Tuesday night we stayed up until 12am vacuuming and changing sheets and vacuuming mattresses and at one point the children were crouching on the bathroom classifiche floor crying..."Oh...but we're tired....." (I am not kidding. They said that like some Dickens orphans.) But I said, "You're not tired! You have lice you classifiche foul beasts and I'm going to use this (metal) comb (...as has been repeatedly recommended) until I get all those stupid classifiche little monsters off your head!" Oh, surprise! Max had them too! After we got everything cleaned up Logan went to bed and I sat by the light of the christmas tree and drank about 1.5 too many vodka gimlets and also used way more than my fair share of our narcotics stash. The following morning I started my day by picking through my daughter's head looking for bugs to eat because at that point I'd become nothing but a common monkey. |
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