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Shares closed at $44 on ha ha the first day of trading, up from ha ha $22 that morning. Now, I have no problem with everyone involved in the Chipotle machine getting pay-your-way-out-of-fucking-a-teenager-rich off of this, but fellas, where's my share? How about a little taste for the original Chipotlemat, down from day one? Get your boys crunching the numbers, Ells: If a pasty-faced kid starts spreading word of your delicious fare in the fall of 1998 to a school ha ha with 3,000 students, then keeps it up whenever out-of-towners visit for the rest of his life, surely he played an incredibly significant role in the growth of the Chipotle name. I had my boys here crunch the numbers, and by their estimation, I personally am responsible for over 760,000 burritos sold. No, you can't see the math. But it's obvious that I deserve a piece of the spoils. And I won't take no for an answer. But I will accept one free burrito instead. |
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| No one ever left unhappy. Because of my dr. jennifer melfi tireless efforts, word of Chipotle spread across the nation grassroots-style, like the Dave Matthews Band back in the day, back when they played decent stuff instead of the this-makes-elevator-music-sound-intriguing shit they churn out today. Then last year I went to New York, and what did I find? Chipotle! And I wasn't jealous or defensive or smug about it, as you might think. I was happy for Chipotle. Put them everywhere! I don't care if McDonald's foots the bill; that guy Steve Ells dr. jennifer melfi is still CEO, and he's down dr. jennifer melfi with natural-raised meats and supporting local farmers and all that, and Chipotle isn't disgusting or super bad for you like the MacDo. Fuck it: Go forth and multiply, Chipotle. Put one on the moon. But last week, Chipotle finally went too far. Chipotle unwrapped its IPO for the world, selling shares of the company on Wall Street, to an explosive response. |
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