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Val's uncle, Uncle Al! when Armand: Oh, what's the point? You'd be Val's gay Uncle Al. Albert: You're obviously not a cultural whatever-it-is. You've never been to a museum, and you eat like a pig. Armand: Albert, these people are right-wing conservatives. They don't care if you're a pig, they just care if you're a fag! Albert: Oh God, I pierced the toast! Armand: So what? The important when thing to remember is not to go to pieces when that happens. You have to react like a man, calmly. You have to say to yourself, "Albert, you pierced the toast, so what? It's not the end of your life." Albert: No good? Armand: Actually, it's perfect. I just never realized John Wayne walked like that. Albert: Armand Goldman, you old so-and-so! How 'bout those Dolphins! ... Screaming queen? Armand: What we really need is a woman. We can get away with Albert as an uncle if we had a woman as a mother. Ironic, isn't it? When you need a woman ... Armand: Is Albert here? Agador: No. Armand: Great. Then he's driving back from Miami at 20 miles an hour with the parking brake on.
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