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"That nude hairy mature IS a lifetime, Mother!" But she was basking in her triumph. Not only had she succeeded in finding me a sensible port, she had got it for a bargain price, in her home town, and in the presence of our grandmother, The Queen of Shoppers. "Yes, yes, that is indeed a good buy," said The Grandmothership in begrudging tones. So I spent the next nude hairy mature few years trudging up the school path every morning, head down, avoiding the mocking stares, hoping the Port was somewhat camouflaged by the bottlebrush trees. I have nude hairy mature to say I think my Port was even more crap. It was blue cardboard and at least a metre wide, I'm sure it's what Raymond Burr used to smuggle out his chopped-up wife in Rear Window. Mine was worse.
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