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| crash(2 disc director's cut edition), discopub, finger, dr. jennifer melfi, classifica, evil thatcher, mob, syria, digitalart, hard rock news, photography, tony darrow, heather champ, wallpapers, debi mazar, wordssong lyrics 2pac i'm losin it r u still down? (remember me), kieron jecchinis, craigs list, foto, | I held her hand, and for a second I swear she squeezed back. That was all the denial my mind ever afforded me. I kinky knew she was dead. I knew she was not going to cheer for me at my graduation, or watch me get married. I knew she wasn't going to bring me groceries at my first apartment, or answer the phone when I called for advice. I didn't kinky know kinky how I could live life without her. I crawled into her hospital bed at home that day and thought I would never find the strength to get up. Funny how life just seems to press on. Some think I am strong for being able to live through such trauma. I am simply what she left behind. It has been almost a decade since I watched my mother die. I somehow found the strength to get out of her bed. I earned a degree from university she will never know about. I have loved and lost and loved again. I'm living my life. The life she gave me. |
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| I asked god to stop her pain. I asked foto god to take my mother. This was the only time god ever listened. I heard a nurse page the McNabb family just then. My grandmother who was in foto there with my brother came through the doors. She said, "She's gone." Over and over "she's gone." I foto argued with her for a second before I was somehow transported to the room where my father and brother were weeping over her dead body. So much for denial. Death is not pretty, like the actors have us believe. She looked horrified. Her eyes and mouth were wide open and her body seemed contorted. That tableau still haunts me in my dreams even though I only looked for a second. My dad kept saying, "She's so beautiful." All I could do was keep my eyes closed and hold onto her tattered shoes. A nurse stepped in and asked me to keep my wailing down. I don't know exactly what I was screaming, but apparently my howling was annoying other living patients. I wanted to hold her. My brother led me to the bed. |
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